The Choking Game

Vera Halswitte had a sister, Ebony. But if you saw them standing side by side you wouldn’t have thought they were sisters at all. That’s what everyone said, at least. Vera disagreed. They had the same smile—a smile that made their top lip curl back and shyly disappear, a smile that emphasized their off-white, braces-straight, tidy teeth. They shared a nose—a button-cute nose with a shiny, rounded tip that curved ever so slightly upward. When Vera listened carefully, she could hear that she and her sister’s laughter was in the same key. But most of all, Vera saw her sister’s eyes in her own—hazy hazel eyes with a flash of gumtree green. They matched hers in every way, except for what they saw.

For a long time, the two sisters had a ritual of brushing their teeth together every morning. They would look at each other in the bathroom mirror, make silly faces, see who would be the first to laugh and splutter toothpaste all over the sink. It was always Vera who laughed first—Ebony was good at those kinds of games. Vera felt a warm, ticklish love for Ebony in these moments, and chose them to tell her sister how alike she thought they were. But when Vera effervesced over their resemblance—their hazy hazel eyes with a flash of gumtree green, their harmonized laughter, Ebony would only scoff as if Vera had told her a bad joke. After a time, the two sisters stopped brushing their teeth together in the mornings, stopped making silly faces at each other in the mirror, and Vera stopped telling Ebony how alike she thought they were.

‘You can’t tell we’re sisters,’ Ebony often said around her friends. ‘We don’t look anything alike, do we?’

Vera felt a little sad when Ebony said things like this, but she supposed that at first glance, the two girls didn’t really look like sisters at all.

Vera was tall, a beanpole straight up and down, while her sister was what their Aunt Faye celebrated as voluptuous. Ebony was dark and Vera was fair. Ebony’s hair overflowed with black ringlets that danced and flailed about her chin while Vera’s hair was dirty blonde and hung limp as dead daffodils below her shoulders. Her sister loved playing with her hair. She would braid it and plait it and twist it and tug it and delighted in comparing it to her own.

‘Look at all these split ends,’ she once said to Vera, sifting gently through her thin locks. ‘Here—’ she grabbed Vera’s hand and put it to one of her curls.

‘How does mine feel?’

Vera wasn’t quite sure how it felt. ‘I suppose it’s—well, soft?’

‘Yes, soft. Bravo, cherie!’ And Ebony laughed like a bell and pinched Vera’s cheeks and gave her a kiss and hugged her so tight she could hardly breathe.

‘You’re so cute, my baby sis,’ Ebony cooed. ‘The loop in my hoop, the apple of my eye.’

Vera couldn’t stand it when Ebony talked to her in that gooey voice— it made her chest tighten like a shoelace being double-knotted. She wasn’t Ebony’s baby sister. Vera was only two years younger and sometimes, when they were alone, Vera was Ebony’s best friend. Yet when Ebony had other friends around, Vera was reduced to the role of callow, lacklustre little sister, twining and climbing like a blue morning glory.

***

The weather that day was pleasantly balmy, even in the late afternoon. The Halswittes’ spacious backyard was brimming with life—ivory white roses teetered beside the garage; vivid pink and red azaleas winked by the gate; tiny butter yellow daisies erupted all over the lawn; and a bountiful array of brilliant indigo hydrangeas—Vera’s favourites—were blooming outside her bedroom window.

It was Ebony’s sixteenth birthday, and those who had yet to wander home were lazing about the backyard, relishing the afternoon sun. Trestle tables stood abandoned, the remnants of the party scattered on their surfaces—empty bottles of Coca Cola; crumbs on plastic plates; a half eaten ice cream cake melting onto the floral tablecloth.

The birthday girl was clad in a loose navy dress, its lace hem falling just above her knees. Cradling her sprightly black curls was a silk scarf. It had belonged to the sisters’ grandmother, and Vera was furious that their mother had given it to Ebony as a birthday present when she’d barely ever noticed it. Vera, on the other hand, had always admired it—the silk had a lovely transparent quality and was a soft yellow with light shades of green and orange bleeding throughout. But her sister did look beautiful wearing it as she stepped up to bat. Ebony and her friends Larissa, Tom and Jill had started a game of cricket, and Ebony was now scampering around in bare feet, having long abandoned her mother’s high heels. Vera didn’t much like Larissa, Tom and Jill. They never talked to her, never said hi to be polite or anything.

It was 4 o’clock and most of the guests had gone home. Vera’s parents were sitting on the porch drinking Bloody Marys with Larissa’s parents. She could hear their muffled laughter from the other side of the yard. She knew Ebony wouldn’t want Vera joining her cricket game, so she was sitting in the tyre swing they had attached to the big old Ash tree when she was a little girl. Vera slowly spun around and around, twisting the rope tightly so that it spun out the other way again, making her head spin.

‘Vera!’ her mother called, and Vera could hear a slur in her voice. ‘Sweetheart?’

‘What?’ she called back, annoyed.

‘Come over here, please!’

Vera jumped to the ground, and trudged over to the porch. Drunk parents got on her nerves. She approached her mother warily, digging her foot into the dirt.

‘Ooh, aren’t you gorgeous!’ Larissa’s mother sung.

Vera forced a smile and turned to her mother.

‘What do you want?’

Her mother laughed warmly and grabbed her daughter around the waist.

‘Oh Vera, don’t be such a sour puss. I just want to show Sybil and Peter how beautiful you are!’

Sybil and Peter chuckled.

‘It’s funny, you know,’ Sybil said, her hands flouncing about like a queen. ‘You and your sister don’t look anything alike.’

Vera stopped listening. A teenage boy she hadn’t noticed before was sitting in a deck chair next to Peter, gazing out at the backyard. She couldn’t help but stare at him. He was beautiful. He caught her eye and she turned away, embarrassed.

‘What’s going on?’ Ebony asked breathlessly, gambolling over. She winked at Vera as she stole a sip of their mother’s Bloody Mary.

‘Your sister has become a lady overnight, Ebony!’ Peter said. ‘What do you say, Casper?’

The teenage boy leisurely turned to Peter, stretching his arms.

‘Well? How about these sisters, eh?’ Peter went on, slapping him on the back. The adults laughed. Vera looked at him again. His eyes were blue glaciers, diamonds, the lapis lazuli in her mother’s ring.

‘They’re pretty girls,’ he said, smooth as polished floorboards. His eyes rested on Vera and she looked hurriedly at the ground. Her fingers were tingling. She could feel Ebony watching her.

‘Well, which one of us is prettier?’ Ebony asked, putting her arm around Vera. The adults laughed again. Vera’s shoulders tensed. ‘Keeping in mind that it is my birthday,’ she added, and poked him. He laughed, and Vera felt a burning in her chest.

‘I suppose I’ll have to say you, will I?’

Ebony scoffed. ‘Don’t you dare insult my sister!’ She poked him again and capered off towards her friends, squealing as he chased after her.

Anger coursed through Vera and she ran back to the tyre swing, climbing in clumsily and twisting the rope now as tight as she possibly could, spinning around until she felt she might throw up, then doing it again.

‘Having fun?’

She glanced up to see Casper smiling. His light brown hair was falling into his eyes but he didn’t care to brush it away. Vera longed to reach out and do it herself, but she had to hold her hands together, they were shaking so badly.

‘Do you like making yourself sick?’ he asked, standing so close to her now she could smell his sweat. His smile widened. ‘That’s pretty dangerous, don’t you think?’

Vera tried to think of something to say but she was still dizzy. Her hands were getting clammier by the second.

‘Look,’ Casper continued. ‘We’re gonna go for a walk.’ Vera looked up at him and his eyes dazzled her. ‘Thought you might like to come.’

‘Okay,’ Vera mumbled, awkwardly removing herself from the tyre and adjusting her shorts. She felt cross with herself for being so self-conscious as she followed him across the garden.

‘How do you know my sister?’

‘I don’t,’ he said. ‘Well, I didn’t before today. Larissa’s my cousin, and her folks are minding me while mine are out of town.’ He shook his head irritably. ‘It’s pretty shit.’

‘How old are you?’

‘Too old for a fucking babysitter.’ Casper squinted into the sunlight, and laughed. ‘It’s embarrassing.’

Vera laughed sympathetically, her spirits rising. She kept close to him, could feel heat radiating from his skin. The others were dallying by the gate. Ebony was fiddling with their grandmother’s silk scarf, and it now draped gracefully around her neck.

As Vera approached, Ebony gave her a cold look. ‘Oh, do you want to come?’ she asked.

‘That a problem?’ said Casper.

‘I was talking to my sister.’

Ebony’s hazy hazel eyes bore into Vera’s.

‘I want to come,’ Vera muttered.

‘Fine,’ Ebony said. ‘If I don’t let you, you’ll just run and tell Mum, anyway.’ She looked around impatiently and grabbed Tom’s hand. ‘Race you there?’ She scampered off down the road, Tom following.

Casper glanced at Vera. ‘You’ve got one intense sister there.’

Vera looked down at the ground and tried to smile. ‘Mm. She’s the confident one.’

Casper put his arm around her and pulled her towards him. ‘I wouldn’t be so sure about that,’ he mused, ruffling her hair and shoving her forward playfully.

***

Morton Park was empty. Ebony was dancing, weaving through the trees, flourishing her yellow scarf in the air and humming. Tom was watching her. Larissa and Jill were gossiping about girls at school. Casper was walking on the outskirts of the group. Vera had been collecting daisies on the way to the park and was now piecing together a daisy chain.

Ebony leapt onto her and tackled her to the ground in a ferocious hug. Vera screamed and fell over, and the two sisters burst into peals of laughter.

‘You—are—insane!’ Vera panted.

They looked at each other very seriously before their faces crumpled and they were again gasping for air. Ebony drew Vera close and lay next to her, their heads touching. It was the first time they had been alone all day.

‘Sometimes—sometimes I love you so much, Vera,’ Ebony whispered. ‘Sometimes I think I could burst from loving you so much.’ She snatched up Vera’s hand, interlocked their fingers. ‘But then—I don’t know—then I can turn around and hate you, hate you so much that I want to hurt you. And I don’t know why.’

Ebony let go of Vera’s hand and rolled over so that she was lying on her stomach, her face buried in the grass. Vera didn’t move. She felt uncomfortable. She didn’t know if she should say anything, or what she should say if she did. She decided instead to tie her daisy chain around Ebony’s wrist.

‘STACKS!’

Larissa had jumped on Ebony, and was joined in a jumbled heap by the others. They all toppled off and Ebony emerged, looking perfectly happy and rather as if she hadn’t been upset at all. Had she been upset? She said nothing but reached for her bag and held it to her chest.

‘Look what I found!’ she said in a singsong voice, pulling out a bottle of vodka. The others cheered.

Casper grinned. ‘Nice one, sweet sixteen.’

Vera felt shaky again. Casper was sitting so close that his knee was touching hers. She’d never tried alcohol, and didn’t think she wanted to.

‘Why so tense?’ Casper said quietly, as the others took swigs of the vodka. He picked up Vera’s hand and held it gently in his own. ‘Jesus, you’re shaking. What’s wrong? Don’t like vodka or something?’

Vera shook her head, and tried to ignore the jelly-like sensation in her knees. She was glad she was sitting down.

‘Here—’ snapped Ebony. Vera dropped Casper’s hand and caught the heavy bottle flying in her direction. She held it for a moment, looking gingerly at the quartz-clear liquid inside.

‘Come on, Vera,’ coaxed Ebony, her eyes flashing. ‘You’re the one who wanted to come with us, so you’re just going to have to be a big girl now, okay?’

Jill and Larissa were giggling. Vera’s face turned red. She glared at her sister, trying to ignore the moisture forming in her eyes.

‘Look,’ said Casper. ‘You don’t have to—’

Vera twisted the lid off the bottle, squeezed her eyes shut, and took in a large mouthful of vodka. Before she could even taste anything, she retched violently and spat it out.

Everyone edged back. Ebony was laughing. Casper put his arm around Vera and pulled her up carefully. He kicked away the open bottle of vodka, which emptied out onto the grass.

‘What’s your problem?’ hissed Ebony, snatching up the bottle and trying to save the remains. ‘What are we going to do now, play Hide and Seek?’

Casper smiled. ‘Want a more natural way to get high?’ he said softly, and an odd glazed look came over him. ‘I think your sister will like it.’

Once again, he rested his beautiful blue eyes to Vera’s. Her stomach twisted unpleasantly. Something about his tone unsettled her.

It was called The Choking Game, Casper told them, though he liked to call it Cloud 9 because that’s what it felt like—floating up on a cloud in the sky, dozing, drifting, dreaming.

‘It’s like when you spin around really, really fast on a swing,’ he explained, eyeing Vera. ‘But instead of feeling sick or nauseous, you get this super high, as if you were dreaming while you’re awake. It’s like—’ He grappled for the right words. ‘It’s like the rush you get on a really big rollercoaster, but a hundred times better.’

Everyone was silent. Vera listened to the faint hum of cars in the distance, and a dog barking from somewhere. She could smell freshly mown grass and honeysuckle.

‘It sounds kind of—dangerous,’ Tom finally said, scratching his head. ‘Couldn’t that go majorly wrong?’

Casper shook his head. ‘Nah, man. It’s pretty obvious when you need to—you know—let go. I must’ve done this at least fifty times. It only gets dangerous when kids start thinking they can do it alone—then you get accidental suicides and shit.’ He grinned crookedly, and Vera felt the hairs on her arm prick up.

‘Trust me, you’ve practically done it already Vera,’ Casper said calmly, noticing her unease and brushing her arm lightly with his hand. ‘The worst that could happen is that you’ll pass out for a few seconds, and get a headache afterwards. But I’ll be right there if you do.’

Her stomach lurched, and all she wanted was for him to take her hand again.

‘I’ll go first,’ Ebony said staunchly. ‘Let’s just—go somewhere quiet.’

They followed Ebony towards a huge yew tree that shaded the vast surrounding area and Vera noticed that it was going to be dark soon.

Ebony stood at the base of the tree and turned towards everyone. Vera expected her to giggle but she didn’t. Her feet were now black, as she still hadn’t put on any shoes, and looking at her delicate frame next to the ancient yew, Vera had never seen her sister look so small.

Casper edged towards her.

‘Wait,’ Vera said quickly. He stopped and turned to look at her and her heart leapt. ‘Can I go first? I won’t back out this time, I swear.’

Ebony shook her head.

‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s my birthday. And I’m older. I’m going first. Casper, will it work with this?’ She held out her grandmother’s yellow scarf to him and he nodded, beginning to coil it gently around her neck.

‘Don’t—’ Vera began softly. ‘Don’t use the scarf, Ebony. What if it rips?’

Ebony breathed out irritably. ‘Vera, get over the scarf. It’s mine. And it won’t rip. Just—just shut up for a minute.’

‘Let me know when you want me to stop, okay?’ Casper said softly, as if they were in danger of being overheard. ‘It’s different for everyone.’

Ebony breathed out a little shakily, closed her eyes, and nodded.

Vera watched the game with blind rage. Never had she hated anyone so much as she hated her sister in that moment. She watched Casper’s hands sidle near her neck and she wanted Ebony to hurt, to hurt the way she liked to hurt Vera but worse. She dug her nails into her palms and blinked back tears and tried to block out the heavy silence that had fallen upon them. No one moved. Ebony’s face was turning a pretty purplish colour, and Vera hated that she looked beautiful, even then. Vera stared at her sister, and her sister stared back—hazy hazel eyes versus hazy hazel eyes, both with a flash of gumtree green, both expressing a fusion of love and hate—and then the game ended.